Saturday, October 18, 2008

...time to start dreading December.

It's time to start dreading December.....or should I say time to start dreading it even more?

I have a dd that is 14, and a ds that is 13. I homeschool them, and they are just about the bestest kiddos in the world.

we are a simple family, not necessarily in the way that we think, but moreso in the way that we live. My groom goes to college & works full time, and his job is cutting back hours. We've both put in applications everywhere, but nothing so far for either of us. He's worked at this job for over 7 years, and it's just sad to see him struggling/worrying over what to do about this years presents for our children.

I knit, and I've sold a few items that I've made.....but that has gone to things like groceries and such. I'm trying to knit faster, get more sales, and thus more money but a girl can only do what she can do. Plus, this ankle injury has me sidelined I don't know what to do to help out.

I've put my deep freezer, my sewing machine, and my antique sewing machine up for sale...but I've had no takers.

It makes me hate/dread December. True I know that my children will like whatever we can afford to give them, but just once I'd love to "see that shock" look in their eyes because of what a grand thing we've gotten them. I don't know how to get there.

It's amazing we do as well as we do with my groom making just over $9 an hour. If we owed any loans or had any credit cards to have to pay for, or a car payment to have to pay for I don't know what we would do! I thank God our van is paid for, and we have no loans or credit cards......but I admit I sometimes wish I had one just to get my kids something great for Christmas.

I know that Christmas isn't about presents under the tree, it's about the ONE that hung on the tree.....but I'm feeling like a big ol' bum here, gentle readers. It's not enough that the TV blasts all these commercials of kids getting great presents (thus making the parents that CANT buy feel like heels), now they have these commercials with the adult child taking the parent on a trip......what the world? Oh I can't buy for my Dad, so I'm a bum on that side too.

I'm college educated, and have a graphics art degree & I have a techincal degree in cosmetology.......and I am making ZERO count them ZERO dollars.

I blame it on the area that we live in. There's simply NOTHING going on here for us to be paid well for. I have disliked this area for some time because of all the painful memories, but I am truly beginning to LOATH being here. Every day I feel like this place is getting smaller and smaller.......and there's nothing I can do to better that, or enrich that. NOTHING.

I made a scarf out of some nice yarn that I won, etc. and the yarn costs $13 a skein. I made it with 2 of them.....and it took me a month of knitting to get it knitted, and blocked (it was from a Victorian lace pattern) and I just sold it for only $40. Yep. That's all my 160 hours of work was worth. 4o big bucks. But, I thank God it sold because that meant I was able to buy more groceries :-) That's always a good thing.

I feel like such a lame parent. I was so depressed over things last year I didn't even put up a tree. The kids only had 3 presents each from us, and we had nothing for eachother, so we didn't even bother putting up our pittiful little tree. We were all depressed over it. Last year was a terrible year on us financially, with Travis wrecking and all.......and this year is so far running closely behind it.

I wish I knew what to do other than pray, and dread December. I know I won't have anything under that tree that my children will love. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just hope that when they grow up they don't hate me for being so lame........