Thursday, December 25, 2008

it's a wonderful life...indeed.

how blessed are we that we have friends and family that love us...?

I can remember just a scant amount of years ago, when my parents were giving me 'tough love' not having anyone at one..........not one single person to wish me happy day, nor did anyone even think of giving me a present, because of the 'tough love'.

years later, I can see their wisdom. I know now, after years of healing, how hard it was for them to give me that wake up call. Sure, it hurts, and because of it I feel like I can never really be close to my Dad again, but it was what I needed to see in order to stop going down the dangerous road I was going down.

little did I know that in these years since, I'd be HERE. I have 2 children here that love me unconditionally, and in all honesty have never seen the side of me that needed the 'tough love'....or at least I pray that person is gone forever & will never show herself again. I can only lean upon Jesus & thank God that I had parents that loved me enough to wake me up before it was too late.

I could be like the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" and wonder would it be a better world w/o me....I could look at the negative, but instead I will live my life with wonder..and know that because of Jesus it is indeed a wonderful life.

the children have opened their presents & my daughter even said this was the best Christmas ever. My son cried when he opened up one of his presents. I had already read the story of Christmas and we were all snuggly in our PJ's this am.....and we took our time opening up everything.

books are huge in our family. Everyone got at least one book. :) I got 2. The children got a lot more than that (but they've been REALLY GOOD!) lol. My groom even got a book this year :).

our van tore up yesterday, but it's running fine today. :) We could have been all upset & in despair about it, but we prayed and the van is running as fine as a van of that age can run. Thank you God.

I may not have been able to give the children the material things that their other friends got, or even all that I wanted them to have, but, I am thankful that the presents did make their way up under our tree. I would have sold everything I own, given everything I had to have seen those smiles on their's worth everything I own......and more. They are my life. They mean so much to me. Thank you Lord for them.

I have always looked at my 2 babies as living proof (okay, they are 13 and 14, but they are still my babies!) that God forgives, and God loves. I have 2 older children that were adopted long ago, and I know very little about what is going on with them, only what happens to 'trickle' down to me because of pictures in paper, or appearances on TV (I know their names, I gave them their names) oldest son will be 18 on the 27th, and my oldest daughter just turned 16. I still cry over them, and sometimes it's daily. I hurt, ache, and miss them so that until the day they are back in my life I can not be 100% happy. This may have to wait until Heaven but we will all be together again someday.

there's nothing, I mean nothing, as heartbreaking as being 'told off' by your child. Multiply this by 2 and you can almost imagine how much I hurt over how my oldest 2 children feel about me. I honestly could wither up and die if I read what they wrote me one more time. God can change any heart. God can take things messed up by man and make it perfected.

there will be someday that I have my 4 children sitting at my dinner table, and I will hear their laughter, and their voices coming down the hall. Someday I will not ache over what I do not have, I will instead feel free because my 'prison sentence' of living every day w/o 2 of my children will be over.......I'm patient. I can wait....even if it's forever away. I can wait.

life is not perfect, and my life is a prime example of that. I fall down, I cry.....I burn my hand it blisters, just like anyone else. The only thing that makes me any different than what I was before is He who lives in me.

my youngest son (and baby) looks so much like my oldest son that there are times I could cry. I have never allowed my heart to 'pretend' because that isn't youngest children are not a remake of my oldest two, and I am not going to treat them that way.

my youngest daughter looks nothing like her older sister...but she does have the same sweet spirit...I am reminded of my oldest daughter and her laughter everytime my youngest daughter laughs. I would never pretend with her either.....who would it be fair to for them to live in their shadows?

yet another Christmas has come & gone & I live such a wonderful life. God gave me such happiness when he gave me children. I never knew what it was like to truly live, and truly have life to make your heart skip a beat until I had these children of mine.

I don't know if my oldest 2 children will ever read my ramblings, but my youngest 2 have promised to. Please know, that as I write this......I know you all are the reason for my happiness. I hope that whenever you see your reflection in the mirror you think "hey, I'm loved." because you sure are. Jesus is the only one that could ever love you more than I do.

no matter where you go, or what you doors and my arms are always opened......and my heart is too.

it is because of y'all that my life is so wonderful. Merry Christmas my babies.