Thursday, October 23, 2008

just can't get out of this 'mood'

I always seem to get in this 'mood' close to Christmas, and it's even more so since Momma died (she died on October 29th 2005).........I'm just sad. There's no other way to describe it. I'm sad, and there's really no cheering me up, either.

I was talking to a good friend on the phone today, and I summed it up to her like I feel like I'm always a 'have not' in a 'have' kind of world. I don't know where I went horribly wrong, I just know I did....and I wonder (always at this time of year more than any other time of year) if I can ever get it back on track. And of course, I never do.

my groom is on short time, which means over the next 6 weeks, only probably 3 weeks of work. I am afraid we will have it so hard, I won't be able to bounce back to being happy again. It's hard stretching just over $9 an hour to cover us as it is.....and his unemployment wont even be that. Oh LORD have mercy.

I have had a couple of people contact me about doing web work, but not anything too serious. I don't think they know how I'd take just about any cash offer right now to get money to coming in....I can't sound desperate, so I won't let them know. How in the world can you say "hey, hire me please?, or my children won't have anything much to open for Christmas"....

I have done just about everything I can here to try & bring in more cash, and now we are just basically living off love, and Gods love it is......if it weren't for God we'd be homeless for sure...and downright hungry too.'s just so hard to NOT be depressed. Here I am trying my hardest to be the kind of woman I feel God wants me to be, and I see all these other Moms drinking, and sleeping around, and all around sinning their ears off and they have so much. There's this one lady close to me that has so much money to throw around she doesn't even ever cook for her family....*shock!*. I'm not jealous or anything, but it just makes me wonder what am I doing wrong?

I am in such a rut that I dread the phone ringing. I don't know if I can take anymore good news "oh we've bought another car" or "we've just returned from a vacation" and so forth....even the "I've just done the most shopping! You should really come see what I bought my children!"....<<<--yep. I want to see what I can never buy my children in a million years....thanks for the offer.

I have un-joined Myspace because I couldn't take anymore of the news. I just can't read another bulletin, or see another status with all the good news others have going on right now. I'm resentful & that is NOT good. I don't think I can fake being happy for anyone anymore, or even feel all that happy. I just keep feeling heart broken at all their good fortunes & I feel like God's most unliked child. I know that is not true, I know that God loves me......but I'm so tired yall. I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the wife that can't get her husband anything for Christmas, tired of being the Mom that can't buy a 'good present' for her kids. I'm tired of being the one in the family that it's known as "the person will make us a present".I'm tired of the pitty, I'm tired of all the "oh your time will come" because I don't believe it anymore. My time won't come. I'm beginning to feel like I'm one of those that will wait forever for a ship that won't come in.

I have so much to be thankful for, and I'm so blessed, and I'm trying to concentrate on that.....Lord I am. But it's so hard. I'm so tired. just tired, tired, tired.

I am slowly leaving some of the groups I've been apart of because I'm simply not good company. I feel like everyone knows I'm depressed, or that they don't know how to act around me because of my mood. I'm even thinking about after the election, leaving Raverly. I'm to the point I don't see the point anymore.

I'm going to go hug my children before I start crying.


puggerhugger said...

No, dont leave! Its the winter blahs. Hang in there, girly.