Tuesday, February 10, 2009


last night I dreamed of my Mom. It's nothing unusual for me to dream of her, I do it all the time. I think it's my minds way of trying to soothe my hearts way of missing her. If you haven't lost a parent, you couldn't understand the longing and the missing. And for her to die at such a young age, with such a terrible disease does nothing to help ease what she is missing now.

there have been times that I swear I hear her voice calling me. Strange as that is. With ALS your voice goes (she had bulbar onset so her voice went first), but I swear I hear it....loud as day.

there's someting about no longer having your biggest fan that leaves you open for being discouraged.

my Mom wasn't the best until the last few years of her life, but then she got saved, and man did she get it 'right'. She was amazing in the face of terrible odds.

I prayed for God to have mercy on her & take her out of her misery. ALS was smothering her & she was having such a terrible time of breathing & her feeding tube was leaking this terrible mess that showed it was shutting down before anything else as she was dying. It was terrible. I don't know how she had the strength. I still thank God she was in a coma for the worst of it. I pray she didn't know how her little body was suffering. It was so terrible I still have nightmares about it. It was that bad.

I thought I was 'ready' or had come to terms with the fact that Moms healing would only come in Heaven, but seeing her in that coffin showed me I hadn't. My groom had to pull me off of her body the last time I saw her. I was a mess.

she passed in 2005, but I still sometimes wonder when the phone rings if it's her. I know I'm not losing my mind, but she called so much (even tapping on the phone when she could no longer talk), that I guess habits die hard.

one of my online friends is going thru a hard time with the health of her Dad. My heart breaks for her. I won't go into details, but I will ask for you to pray for "L". She's a great gal, and she will need all our prayers for strength...

I don't know what it is about some days that make me miss my Mom so much I can hardly breathe. Today is one of those days. I could sit & cry all day for me, but then the day will be lost & all I will have to show for it is the fact I cried. Mom wouldn't want that...gosh I miss her.

Since Mom died I have constantly done the 'muscle' checks and the checks to see if I'm showing signs of the disease. How crazy is that? It's to the point that the muscle aches I have from working out scare me...I wonder for half a second if maybe the ALS is getting me too. I'm selfish. I don't want to go that way. I couldn't be trusted with the genetic testing to find out if I 'may' get it because I don't think I could function knowing this was in my genes. I don't know if I could let myself live. It's that terrible to 'go' that way. A dog doesn't deserve to suffer the way that she did.

I know that she is with Jesus, and I will be with Him someday also. It's not good-bye forever, its just until later. But it still hurts.

I've tried so hard to reach out to my extended family, and I've all but given up. I think I come on too strong, or something, because they won't 'warm' up to me. My own Dad say's he doesn't know how to 'handle' me. He doesn't relate to me at all. And it's probably my fault because all I can do is remember how mean he was, and when he asks to come get the children (he asked last week to take them to my brothers) I made excuses. I just can't and won't trust him with my children like that. He broke my heart, and I refuse to allow the same to happen to them. Am I just being gun shy? You bet'cha.

that's one reason I just want to get out of this messhole that is Henagar...I mean even Alabama. I hate it here. Everything reminds me of how much I don't have, how much I miss, and how much I will never have. I still can't go to Scottsboro without fighting back tears over my oldest 2 children & I'm simply sick and tired of doing this to myself. I deserve better. God has given me new life, and I want to live it.

gosh. I miss you Mom. You would understand what I'm saying. I don't know if I even make sense to anyone else.

love you,