Tuesday, January 13, 2009

tears.....and turmoil.

my brother hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 years. And the last time he did, it was one of the most hurtful conversations I've ever read...and it still brings me to tears today just thinking about it.

the-other-day, I was sitting and doing webwork & the phone rang. It was the local hospital calling to see if my brother had made it home safely, and was doing better.

they wouldn't tell me anything (of course), and I finally got in contact with my Dad & he told me that my brother was having food issues, that he couldn't get his food to 'go down'....

I fell apart.

this is how ALS started on my Mom & I was afraid it was happening to my brother...

my Dad went on to explain they believed it was something else (something about his throat & acid reflux) and that he would have to have surgery to help it.

but of course all I could think of was how he told my Dad he hadn't been able to get any food down except soup for the past 3 days.....and that's all my nerves needed, evidently, to spring me into desperation like I haven't felt since begging for mercy for my cousin, Sheila, who was diagnosed with ALS this year.

I went back to the bedroom & prayed to God like you wouldn't believe. Most of it, just begging "no" for my brother. I hadn't cried like that since Mom was going thru her toughest day before she died....I was sick with grief over fear for my brother.

my husband came to the room & tried to calm me down. My nerves were too far gone. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just too 'raw' and scared me too much....it just couldn't be happening AGAIN, please no....

I wasn't able to do any work, or even navigate, for a long time...all I could do is cry, and pray. I can't explain the fear I felt in the pit of my stomach....it made me sick.

now, days later, my stomach still hurts...and I'm left with the question of why....why did my brother give the hospital OUR number so that I would find out?

my Dad called yesterday & said that my brother was 'right as rain'........but I'm still scared.

I'm just so nervous right now.....and I don't know how to calm them down.