Tuesday, October 14, 2008

trying to keep negative/sad feelings away.

the 29th of this month will mark the 3rd year anniversary of the passing of my Sugar Momma.

since she passed, I have spent this month feeling so sad....so depressed.....missing her so much.

I am making such a dire effort to not allow myself to fall into the mode of feeling sorry for myself. Because you know, it's all totally selfish to feel sorry for one's self, isn't it? Of course it is.

admittedly, I miss my biggest fan. If you haven't lost your Mother, you can't really grasp the feeling you have when you know the person that you've been connected with the longest is gone......and you can't follow...not then anyway.

I remember when she passed away, the funeral home came to get her body, and they asked me if I wanted to do her hair as we had planned, and of course I did want to, I was her hairdresser after all..and her daughter.

after they left with her body, I collapsed on the ground.....I just sat flat down on the ground....I couldn't feel anything but numb. I remember seeing the beautiful blue sky & the white puffy clouds & thinking what a wonderful homecomming for her.

I had made the promise to not cry for her when she passed away, but I made no promises to NOT cry for myself......

I remember seeing her in the casket, the quilt I made for her wrapped around her legs, and the funeral director asked me "do you want to tuck her in?" that was it for me...I lost it. I just wanted to crawl into that casket & die right along with her. My groom had to pull me off of her. I was a disaster.

I don't want to remember what that ALS did to her body, how it slowly robbed her of everything, how it paralized her, and how especially on the Wednesday before she passed....how cruel the disease was. ALS is one of the most cruel diseases I've ever been a witness to, and I've seen some stuff in my life.

I want to remember her beautiful wavy hair, that was the lightest shade of brown, and how it honestly smelled like sunshine. I want to remember those bright blue eyes that I use to cry because mine were just plain ol' brown and I wanted eyes like hers.....I want to remember how, in that casket, right before they closed the lid..how she looked like an angel, young like she did when we were kids.

I don't want to think about how things have changed since she's gone to be with Jesus. I don't want to think about how my brother divorced his wife (the woman that helped care for Mom), and how now he refuses to even speak to me....and has even told me to consider him no longer my brother. I don't want to think about how terrible things have been here, both financially and emotionally for us. I don't want to think about how I sat on that grass in my brothers front yard after they took my Mom's body for so long someone had to come get me to come in, and since that very moment I have felt LOST without her to care for. How everything rotated around her, gentle readers.....she was my Mother, and right before she passed..she was one of my closest friends.

I don't want to think about how much I miss those Sugar Momma hugs. She could hug like no one's business. Did I ever tell you that? If I thought I had to go the rest of eternity without one of those hugs I don't know what I would do.......it would be a pittiful existance for sure.

I don't want to think about how my heart still breaks.......or how I don't know what to do with myself. NO matter how busy I keep myself, or how much I try to help others, there is still that stillness that no one can help...or help reduce how it hurts.

I am trying so hard to not cry. I'm trying so hard to not allow myself to get depressed/trying to keep sad feelings away......I am trying to concentrate on the positives in my life......Lord be with me.