strange dreams.

my Mom passed away in 2005, and it's strange I guess, but I still dream of her. I can smell her, I can touch her, and I can hear her sweet voice. "Kimberlyyyyyyy" over and over.

last night, I was asleep & it was the kind of dream that seems so real. We (my step Dad, my Mom and me) were going down the road in a van I've never seen before.

my step Dad is also gone. He passed away a couple of weeks after her. You aren't suppossed to speak ill of the dead, but this man gave my disabled Mom the beating of her life, and my brother & I had to rescue her from it...all this while she was fighting ALS. So, I have no sympathy, or no reason to want to hang with him either...

but there I was in this dream. My step Dad driving, of course, and my Mom in the front seat. I'm younger again, and my hair was long again, and my step Dad looked at me and said "don't forget this" and he & my Mom were laughing. I can still see so clearly the wind blowing their hair about & my Mom smiling & looking very much like she did when we were growing up...she reached out to me...and I see her Sugar Momma hands..nails all nice & long just like when she lived...and I look down at my hands & see how much our hands are alike........and I feel her no really.......I did. You know how touching someone you love feels so different than touching someone you really don't know that well? You KNOW that person....you know their touch, and the feel of their skin....and it was her. At least my conscious let me believe it was.

in my dream, it was summer time & it was so warm......it was the most beautiful day I think I've ever dreamed of. I don't know what my step Dad didn't want me to forget, it wasn't clear in my dream, and I don't remember this ever happening in real life......so it was a strange dream for sure.

when Mom passed away, there wasn't much for my brother & I to hold on to from her life. We rescued her from my step Dad's abuse & we had little but her........that was all that mattered & she died just over a month later.

I have her purse. Right after she passed I carried it to where I would feel close to her. Man, it stinks to loose someone that you've loved so...especially knowing how she suffered & died.....and I have her license, and social security card........on my dresser, I have them pressed under the glass top so that I can see her signature......it's "proof" she was here to my heart. Along side it I have her death certificate......it's proof she truly is gone from Earth forever.

these years later, I still have times I speak of her in present tense....I still start to pick up the phone & call her...and church really hasn't been the same since she left Earth. It hurts too much to go back to our old church because no matter where I sit, I seem to see her grave...no matter how many flowers I put out there, it feels so cold......because SHE isn't there.......she isn't there.

I can't count the times I dream of her. I can't count the times I say "oh if Mom were alive now..." or "I wish she could have been the Mom she was to me the last part of life for my whole life.."

whenever I'm sick, I crave her potato soup. Whenever I'm lonely I crave her Sugar Momma hugs, whenever I wonder what I should do........I long for her advice......man. I miss her.

when we were growing up, my Mom made these tapes of all of us. We were singing, acting silly, etc. and my Mom sang & talked on that tape.

when I was caring for her one day I found it again. She wrote she wanted me to play it. It played ONE TIME.....and it tore from the core. It's one of those little cassette tapes, you know? And I still have it just in case their comes a time I figure out how to re-attach it, or get it fixed....its her voice. On that tape. Oh what I'd give to hear it. But it's trapped. And I can't.

an online friend of mine is going thru a fresh grieving process, and it's brought back to me how truly alone I am...you feel very alone when one parent is gone. And man, I feel so sorry for her (my friend) because that first year is one that I don't envy anyone to have to live thru. It's painful & that first year of "firsts" are almost cruel. It took me a whole year to feel like I could even smile again. It's so hard to be the caregiver for years & then it all be gone.

I don't know why I have these strange dreams........but in a way, I'm glad I do because at least in my dreams I'm with her one more time. And I can touch her. And she speaks to me.

at least for one person at one time.......I was a blessing to them.

yesterday, while putting up our tree (which took forever because we forgot where we put everything!) Among all the ornaments we found years of Christmas cards......among the Christmas cards I found several from Momma. One even from when she & Dad were still married (proof I keep everything, they've been divorced since 88).

if you can't read the card it says:

I love all your family

but most of all I love you dearly.

May God bless you & yours

You are a blessing to me

Mom

&

Bill

yes, this card is special because now my Momma is gone, but it's even more special because it was one of the last few writings I have of hers on a card. This (2004) was her last Christmas & how precious is this card to me!

ALS is a terrible disease, and I pray that no one ever has to suffer with it like she did. She had the guts to go thru it, and I was going to stick right in there with her no matter how much it hurt me to see her like that. Even in the last days when I was crying to Jesus for mercy for her, even if it meant death...she had such grace with it all....I don't know how in the world she faced such a mighty giant.......and battled like you wouldn't believe.....eventhough her victory didn't mean she lived here still....she had victory because she no longer hurts, suffers, struggles to breathe........she never gave up her faith. She never had not one moment where she felt sorry for herself, or acted in anger, or even questioned why....if she ever did those things it wasn't in front of me & I was around most all the time. She was such a blessing to me & I miss her so much!

it makes me so happy to know that for once in my life, for at least one person that lived here....they felt I was a blessing to them. I want to be a blessing. That is my hearts desire to be good to people...to be there for people. Thank you Momma for letting me be there for you even when it was hard for you to let down your privacy to me. I love you Mom.

Thanksgiving without Sugar Momma

It's been so long since I saw your sweet face

I have such tender memories time will never erase.

Thanksgiving is always so bittersweet to me

trying to move forward, but that doesn't seem to be the way it needs to be.

I remember so well all those Thanksgivings before

you told me you weren't going to be here for any more.

Thanksgiving 2004 is one of those days I won't forget

You told me you were going home soon...on that you'd be willing to bet

you knew that would be your last one here on Earth, didn't you?

you knew you'd not be here & you wanted me to know what to do.

I will never forget your sweet sweet hands, your wonderful hugs too

life is so blue without you Sugar Momma...oh it's so blue

in this life we have only so many people that loves us,

but you are no longer here with us, you are in Heaven with Jesus.

There will be no perfect gravy, no tales about my youth

I feel like my life was stolen from me when you died, that's the truth.

There are times I swear I smell your perfume, feel you near

there are times I feel nothing but anger and fear

I don't know how to make Thanksgiving as special as you did,

I know I'm a grown woman, eventhough sometimes I feel like a kid.

I miss having someone to cheer me along

I miss your silly words, and your happy song

I hate I no longer hear your tender voice

I know you aren't with us, because you had no choice

hard working hands are now at rest

God took you from us to prove He only takes the rest.

We still sit at the table you gave so long ago

how often I sit there to fill close to you...no one will ever know.

I don't know how to be here, I don't know how to be me

I don't know how to go thru the rest of my life, being happy to just be.

but I know you wouldn't want me to still cry over you

but I'm so tender hearted thats just me doing what I do.

You told me "In my daughters eyes" was special to you

I never told you how special it was to me too.

I've never been to Heaven, I don't know how it is there

but I know you are with Jesus, ALS no longer is your care

I sure miss your hugs so strong

living my life without them somehow feels wrong

I pray when I get to Heaven I get at least one more

and I hope you are the one that opens Heavens doors.

written by

Kimberly Storey©

3 years ago today.

3 years ago today, my Sugar Momma passed away after a battle with ALS. It was one of the most terrible struggles I have ever seen, the way she fought ALS, but on the day she passed away, it was a gentle, soothing lull....like she just went to sleep.

after having so much time that I devoted to helping her (who wouldn't help their sick parent???), I remember feeling like I didn't know what to do next.

I have kept up trying to help all those that I can with this disease, and trying to be their for the family members...but up until the recent diagnosis of my sweet cousin Sheila having ALS.......I thought ALS was thru with us......apparently this is not the case.

the Christmas after my Mom died I made the decision after reading about a child who was needing hair for a wig (locks of love) that I was going to grow my hair out to donate to this cause.

I am hoping to cut my hair next month, so that means it's been like growing a crop for 3 years. (lol)My hair was boy cut short when Mom died, and now it's down about mid-back (think around my bra). My groom doesn't think it's grown out much, I don't believe......but for it to have grown over 10" in 3 years I think that's not half bad!

I have extrememly curly frizzy hair that is a pain to try & care for. I think I have the ugliest hair I've ever seen. But, to someone that has lost their hair to cancer/treatments, I'm sure they won't mind my hair one bit. :)

I will be so happy to meet this goal of doing this! I haven't been to the beauty shop but once in 3 years, so this is going to be such fun! :) My friend (whom I went to cosmetology college with a few years ago) is going to cut it for me. :) So, I will get to see her! Good news for sure.

The past couple of years, on this date, I have just hid in my room all day, crying...(my groom doesn't like for me to cry for sure!)......but this year I'm going to try to make today a celebration of her life. Not one to focus on how she died.....or the fact she did die. In order to be perfected & be in Heaven we all have to die....dying is just a part of living....eventhough it hurts like the sand to be without her and I miss her more than I can ever say......I do find comfort in knowing that she is with Jesus. There is truly no better place to be.

I miss you Sugar Momma. I hope someday to make you proud.

trying to keep negative/sad feelings away.

the 29th of this month will mark the 3rd year anniversary of the passing of my Sugar Momma.

since she passed, I have spent this month feeling so sad....so depressed.....missing her so much.

I am making such a dire effort to not allow myself to fall into the mode of feeling sorry for myself. Because you know, it's all totally selfish to feel sorry for one's self, isn't it? Of course it is.

admittedly, I miss my biggest fan. If you haven't lost your Mother, you can't really grasp the feeling you have when you know the person that you've been connected with the longest is gone......and you can't follow...not then anyway.

I remember when she passed away, the funeral home came to get her body, and they asked me if I wanted to do her hair as we had planned, and of course I did want to, I was her hairdresser after all..and her daughter.

after they left with her body, I collapsed on the ground.....I just sat flat down on the ground....I couldn't feel anything but numb. I remember seeing the beautiful blue sky & the white puffy clouds & thinking what a wonderful homecomming for her.

I had made the promise to not cry for her when she passed away, but I made no promises to NOT cry for myself......

I remember seeing her in the casket, the quilt I made for her wrapped around her legs, and the funeral director asked me "do you want to tuck her in?" that was it for me...I lost it. I just wanted to crawl into that casket & die right along with her. My groom had to pull me off of her. I was a disaster.

I don't want to remember what that ALS did to her body, how it slowly robbed her of everything, how it paralized her, and how especially on the Wednesday before she passed....how cruel the disease was. ALS is one of the most cruel diseases I've ever been a witness to, and I've seen some stuff in my life.

I want to remember her beautiful wavy hair, that was the lightest shade of brown, and how it honestly smelled like sunshine. I want to remember those bright blue eyes that I use to cry because mine were just plain ol' brown and I wanted eyes like hers.....I want to remember how, in that casket, right before they closed the lid..how she looked like an angel, young like she did when we were kids.

I don't want to think about how things have changed since she's gone to be with Jesus. I don't want to think about how my brother divorced his wife (the woman that helped care for Mom), and how now he refuses to even speak to me....and has even told me to consider him no longer my brother. I don't want to think about how terrible things have been here, both financially and emotionally for us. I don't want to think about how I sat on that grass in my brothers front yard after they took my Mom's body for so long someone had to come get me to come in, and since that very moment I have felt LOST without her to care for. How everything rotated around her, gentle readers.....she was my Mother, and right before she passed..she was one of my closest friends.

I don't want to think about how much I miss those Sugar Momma hugs. She could hug like no one's business. Did I ever tell you that? If I thought I had to go the rest of eternity without one of those hugs I don't know what I would do.......it would be a pittiful existance for sure.

I don't want to think about how my heart still breaks.......or how I don't know what to do with myself. NO matter how busy I keep myself, or how much I try to help others, there is still that stillness that no one can help...or help reduce how it hurts.

I am trying so hard to not cry. I'm trying so hard to not allow myself to get depressed/trying to keep sad feelings away......I am trying to concentrate on the positives in my life......Lord be with me.