03/23/09 fitness report.

got up this AM after a wonderful earplug induced sleep. FINALLY. I woke up tired, of course, and wanted to sleep more.....but I knew my workout awaited me.....I also knew my wonderful kiddos would be getting up soon wanting b'fast, and instruction on what their day of school would be like....

over the weekend I tried on some of my smaller jeans, and here sit I......comfortably in a size 6. I have a little room to boot. But the thing about being short like I am, a lot of the jeans go up too far on the waist (or that has been true for me at least) and Levis is no exception.....I feel like I'm wearing "MOM PANTS" you know what I mean?

I'm holding firm at 127.5.......I don't know if I'm going to make my weight goal by my daughters 15th b'day party......*nervous* I'd love to weigh 120, but I am at this point going to be happy if I'm at 125.....this last few pounds are coming off so slow....so, so, so slow......

I did my Banish Fat Boost Metabolism again this AM......The whole time thinking about how tired I am of everything....I'm sick to death of not having any freelance work, sick to death of having 2000 people applying for a job I'd love to have here......and knowing I won't get it because in this boom hick town if you don't have family that's hiring....in this economy you don't get hired....a whole year & no one has hired me.........this stinks. I'm sick to death of it all....sick of living here, sick of trying to pretend we don't live where we do....sick to death of being embarrassed if someone stops by, or wants to stop by to visit.....I'm sick to death of knowing the mortality of the women in my family & simple math shows I may have 10 good years of life & here I sit not accomplishing NOTHING because the wheels just won't turn for me....sick to death of knowing I could fall off of the face of the earth & only a scant amount of people would even notice, and even fewer than that would care......it just stinks. The whole time I was working out & punching, I kept thinking over and over about everything & punching madly in the air while thinking about the fact I can't/am not giving my children everything they need/want/deserve, and kicking myself (really doing butt kicks) because of my choice of college majors that have honestly done nothing to help my little family....very frustrating.

my groom is just over a year away from graduating college, he's going to be a nurse, Lord willing. This has been such a long road of him working and going to college part time, and since being laid off surviving off of $215 a week while he goes to college full time....he can't get hired either, it seems....uggghhh! A year away seems so far away when you are scratching every week out of the very ground that seems to be shifting thru your hands.....gah. I hate this.

when he graduates we are so moving away from this hick town that has been nothing but pain for me & going to where not only he can work, but perhaps I can find something to do so I can help with what the children need/want...every squat punch has me saying "I hate it here...I hate it here......I hate it here".....

I know we should be happy where God has planted us, and I'm trying....but I'm just sick to death of this weight that won't come off of me, these scales that are mean to me, and everything else.....I just want to be there already.......I feel like theres a ticking time clock & wonder how much of life I will get to live before it's all said & done & wonder if my life will end up the Greek tragedy that my Moms did.

punch, twist, kick, plank, mountain climbers....just make it all go away. An hour that I'm not 'fretting' about everything....that's what working out is to me.