Thursday, January 15, 2009

what is it about an approaching b'day?....

that makes you think about where you've been & where you'd like to go with your life?

I know that I've been thinking about such things and wondering how I can set goals for myself & reach them this year. I've always set such high goals for myself that if/when I failed I felt like such a big failure. I hate seeing myself fail, but I know that failure sometimes is the lesson from which you most need to learn.

My Mother and her Mother both died 'early' in life. My Maw Maw died even earlier than did my Mother, but both had terrible deaths & were so hard to watch....and them passing so early in their lives makes me 'count' my years until I reach that age...I just want to live until I'm too old to die young.....Remember that Moe Bandy song? Yep. That's how I feel.

the last couple of years I've been growing a 'crop' for locks of love, and I just cut it all off not too long ago. I was so thankful to reach that goal, because it was one that is so close to my heart.

since my Mom passed away in 2005, I've done a lot of work with the ALS association, including helping other families touched by this disease....but I've wanted to do the 'walk to de feat' and something always happens so that I don't get to attend (because the closest one is SO far away). I'd love to do it....I've donated money to the 'walk' but I want to actually be apart of the walk because I want to honor my Sugar Momma. The last 2 years of her life had her being the most wonderful she ever was & I was her caregiver & we were so close then. You know, it got to the point she was suffering so I prayed for God to take her home, but even then I wasn't ready...I thought I was......but I wasn't. It still kills me to be without the woman that she became, and I miss her so much all the time. She use to love to she was a good runner too, did I ever tell you that? I want to be able to run the whole 'walk' just to honor her...and what we shared together those last 2 years of her life. Man, I miss her. So, I'm going to renew that 'goal' this year. Hopefully I will be able to do this....THIS YEAR!

I am never as good a Mom/wife as I want to be. I'm always wanting to improve on this..It's a study in life to learn to be as God intended me to be by my groom. I've always been so headstrong and stubborn that laying that part of my life away & instead becoming his 'helpmeet' is something I work on harder and harder every year. And too, Proverbs 31.....I want to be this kind of Mom...and wife. Are we ever truly finished with the 'work' that is who we want to become? I know I've not reached that point myself. I'm still such a work in process it's not funny. But I'm striving, reaching, grasping towards my future & the wife/Mom I want to someday be.

one of my biggest failures has to be my terrible habit of biting my nails. I've tried a million times to quit & I always just fall back into, I even do it in my sleep, apparently. The only time I had moderate success is when I wore gloves, yes gloves, at night. I so want to 'kick' this habit because it's so embarrassing, but at (what will be) 39 years of age this habit is something that I no longer realize I'm even doing! How can I kick this habit for once and for all? I mean honestly I hate that I do this....I always worry that if I were to die & they were to place my hands like they do everyones that everybody would see my horrid habit and that is embarrassing......I don't know how to kick this habit. I swear I've tried & I don't know how.

my weight issues/health issues. Man, this one is a hard one. My groom is such a stickler for all things healthy, fitness, and gym that it's not funny. :o) I wish that I had his drive, his love, his fever for this. He is amazing. His body really shows his hard work, and I'm so proud of him. I'm sick and tired of being the fat one. I'm sick and tired of my weight. I'm sick and tired of my big ol' pumpkin shaped head that I could scream. For someone that suffered an eating disorder for so long in her life, to be HERE on this side of weight is more heartbreaking than I can describe here on this blog. I feel devistated & hurt...and I've NO ONE to blame but ME. I never had this problem until my hysterectomy, and I knew this could be an issue, but I had no choice by having this surgery, and according to my groom it's worth whatever weight to have me here, without pain. (hes a keeper)

I'm giving it 6 months, y'all. I'm going to be dedicated to the 'Jillian' method for 6 months & if this doesn't improve I'm going to go primal. I swear. I have tried everything (within my own means) and I can't seem to get this issue just right, and I can't seem to make myself 'enjoy/like/want to do' this so I'm just going to do it & get over myself. It's all about what it's worth to you in the long run...and it's worth it to me..I'm tired of being ashamed to have my picture made & hating everything about my face and body and I'm FED UP with looking like I don't belong with my groom because I'm not as fit as he is......and he did call me CHICKEN....he DARED Me to do it...and if you know me you know how hard dares are for me to turn down, especially like he does it...LOL....

I want to be a better daughter-in-law....I have the best in-laws in the world. I say that without reservation. My little MIL is something else, y'all. She is just amazing. Her husband (my step FIL) is such an awesome man! He just cracks me up! And my grooms Dad/step Mom live so far away that I can't really do much for them, but I do email them all-the-time & I'm going to mail them a 'thank you' for the b'day money they just sent me..I'm doing 'snail mail' to them this year...I'm working y'all....I've put on my big girl panties & already doing things that I never dreamed I would be able to do because of my anxiety problems :o) But God is good!

I want to be able to just realize already that I will NEVER be 'all that' to my Dad and family. I want to be able to quit trying so hard to get them to love me/approve of me. I try too hard, and maybe that overwhelms them, I don't know. I want to quit crying over my brother & how he's broken my heart & I really want to be able to tell him off for what he's done to me.........but I just can't......I haven't been able to even raise my voice to him & it drives me crazy! I'm just mushy when it comes to someone I love & I let people walk all over me...I want this year to be the year that I say NO! and mean it........that's the hardest thing to do for me.......