yesterdays crazy day.

some days are just hard.......forever. Like b'days of children that you gave birth to but were adopted.......take it from me, all you want to do is crawl up into a ball & die....ignore the world all day & just cry because of how much you miss that child, how much you grieve for that child not being in your life, & how much you wish to God that you had made better choices so that this wouldn't be a 'punishment' you would have to endure.......and that most of all, an innocent child wouldn't grow up without his biological or her biological family. Regrets don't even begin to cover it.

many moons have passed since dear son 1 and dear daughter 1 were adopted & yet it seems like my heart loves them like I gave birth to them yesterday. It doesn't get easier, or better...take it from me.....I've done this for many, many years. And to even dare to think I have to live the rest of whatever life I may have without any hopes of being in their lives again is simply too much for me to bear. I refuse to think of living out the rest of my life without them, but I do know what a possibility it indeed is.

I had long decided to keep to myself yesterday, because it was ds #1 b'day. It's just too hard to navagate in the outside world. Here in my own home & can cry all I need to & everyone here understands & accepts how my heart is breaking & loves me without conditions.

but this was not meant to be. My Dad called, asked me if I knew what day it was (like I could forget) and asked me how it feels to be the mother of an adult (I told him I didn't know, I hadn't had the right to be his mother in forever. I just know how it feels to have 18 years of heartbreak). He asked me to do him the favor of going to do Granny's hair. today??? I asked..yep today.....

so off I went...I admit I had to fight back tears while I was there because of how obvious it was that Granny was hurting for him too. My bad decisions were breaking her heart, and there was nothing I could do to make it better for any of us. Sure, we all know about how much better off financially these children are, but that is little comfort when you still love them so, and we all know they have great parents.....but we know we wish we could have had that chance..if only....

I fixed my Grannys hair, and we talked about everything, she was talking mostly about (other than ds #1's b'day) the moles she recently had removed & how thankful she is that none of them were the 'bad cancer'....yes Lord, thank you!!! I don't know what I would do without her!

I came back home & fought depression all day. Its hard to not always beat yourself up because of these messed up things being your fault.....and it's hard to not wonder how long this lesson/punishment is going to last....

the phone rang & it was my aunt she was 'drunk calling' great...today of all days. My Dad's sister gets all 'drugged up' on these meds & calls everyone like some drunks do. Yesterday was my day.

she called to see if she was "in trouble with Granny"...I had no clue what she was talking about & there was no making sense of everything she was talking about. I have tried & tried to not only talk to her, but her children about my aunts behavior, and I've even talked to Dad about it, but there's no 'waking her up' to see that she has a problem. I worry what she's going to do with this meds, I pray she doesn't over medicate, but she keeps going to dr's and getting more & more medicine......and then she calls........

I told my aunt that my Granny (& her Mother) didn't say a word about her (which she didn't) and my aunt kept trying to give herself excuses as to why she didn't take Granny here or there......and I honestly have no clue what she's talking about....

I finally had to tell my aunt that I couldn't understand her, I was sorry.....I don't know what to do for her.....

pray for my aunt.....that's all I can do now..I've talked to everyone to try & get all aware of the dangers of this situation & I worry now it's going to take a mistake to get her to wake up & get help.......praying is all I can do now.........pray, pray, pray.

on a lighter note:
only one more year until I get to send ds #1 information about all of us....he has contacted me via the internet a couple of years ago (it wasn't a good conversation....he honestly said he wished I would just "fall off the face of the earth" because he hated me so), but I'm going to mail our information out just the same. I don't expect to hear from him, but God can tender anyones heart & he deserves to know all about us........this time next year that package will be going out :) how exciting & scary is that?